Like all right-thinking people in the world, you know that allowing the gays to get married will precipitate the collapse of our god-fearing society, just like divorce and the X-case and the Mother And Child scheme and eating meat on Friday didn’t. However, it’s tough to be a right-thinking decent Christian these days. You’re probably horrified to find that all your sensible arguments don’t cut it any more. Well sure, it was great when we could say “it’s just not natural” and wait for everyone to moo their agreement, but we can’t live in the past. We know society peaked in 1954, but in these secular, godless times that doesn’t cut it any more.
So where can you look for inspiration? The answer, of course, is God, or as the liberal PC intelligentsia call Him “whatever you happen to think and can’t be bothered backing up with rational argument” (It’s that sort of nonsense that has turned Ireland into the socialist dystopia we see before us today). God’s finest missionary in the country is the greatest source of inspiration we can find. There is no truth-speaker more magnificent than David Quinn; he’s silver-tongued, impassioned and sexy (Yes he is. He’s really sexy).
So to help you along as you fight the good fight, here are a few simple strategies to enable you to argue like the man himself. Pay attention now and we might just keep the hordes at bay.
David Says: Where do you draw the line?
This is the entry-level tactic. Never just argue that something’s bad on its own merits as that will get you into tricky areas involving so-called “facts.” No, always make the point that anything the liberals want – even if it seems reasonable – is in an inevitable slippery slope, which ends with anarchic platypus-fucking orgies in the senior infants classroom. When someone says “I think gay marriage is fine,” never come out and just tell them that this is the death voice of evil from the cold black void of Satan. Just say “Well okay, but what happens next? What happens when mothers start marrying their daughters? If you allow two men to marry each other, then you’ll have to let me marry a ferret! What will you say when your neighbour wants to get hitched to a hoover?”
Effectiveness: 6/10. This was a peerless trademark of The Great Man back in the day, and the perfectly rational “if you allow gay people to adopt they’ll be stealing babies from your cot” argument remains the high water mark. It’s not as effective these days, partly through overuse, mostly because ‘where do you draw the line’ lost its effectiveness once everyone remembered there’s a fucking huge centuries-old legal system that exists specifically to draw lines. Still worth an outing though.
David Says: A dog’s got four legs, so anything with four legs has to be a dog.
There’s a knack to the ould ‘false equivalence’ game, but once you’ve got it down you’ll be unstoppable. Let’s start simple: do you want to discredit something (yes of course you d0)? Well find somewhere else where it’s allowed, find out something bad about that place, and then present the one as an inevitable consequence of the other, like so: “You know where else has gay marriage? Mexico! Mexico has a heroin problem, probably. Do we want all Irish people to become smackheads?” So far so good, but wait! Once you’ve got that basic principle at your fingertips, you can use the same idea in reverse to define what marriage is “about.” Only men and women get married at the moment, so marriage has to be between a man and a woman. It’s obvious, guys. It’s just like how all babies have a mother and father, so couples who adopt also need to be a mother and father. And while we’re at it, Victoria sponges have flour in them, so all cakes must have flour in them. Fuck you, Black Forest Gateau!
Effectiveness: 7/10. Even Fidelma Healy-Eames saying that the Americans had banned Mother’s Day made a splash and and got people talking, even though it was to say she’s an utter moron. Just focus on the Maestro – His Davidness’s whole “marriage is devalued if anyone can do it” shtick remains the cornerstone of our argument and it stems from this basic tactic, so it’s one you’ve got to get to grips with. Otherwise Jesus hates you.
David Says: Ordinary Christian families around the country…
The sentence-opener you must never forget. You don’t need facts or arguments at all. Many ordinary Christians are uncomfortable with gays marrying or lezzers kissing or women with short hair, and that’s all that matters and never stop reminding everybody. On no account say “ordinary Catholics,” that makes people think of psycho priests and child abuse – say Christians, because everyone likes Christians, and they kind of sound old and cuddly like your granny. What exactly gives the Liberal Intelligentsia the right to make your granny live in a country where they allow something that’s a bit, you know, wuuuuh?
Effectiveness. 9/10 This is your stock manouevre, your winning move, your bread and butter.
…but it’s better still if you can introduce a bit of…
David Says: We are the oppressed.
Too many people come up with classic newspeak these days like “transference” “projection” and “seriously lads are ye high or something” when confronted with the truth; that we are silenced by the establishment, like what happens in Cuba and Russia and other places we could probably name if we could be bothered doing the research. When that ladyboy appeared on the Late Late and called some people homophobes, just because they don’t believe gay people should have equal rights, what recourse did we have? All that happened was that RTÉ apologised, and took down the interview from their website, and paid us loads of money! They practically got away with it scot free! So we are the real minority here (except we’re not a minority because we speak for almost everybody in Ireland, obviously). There are loads of good places to remind everyone how silenced you are – maybe when you make one of your many appearances as a talking head on RTÉ, or in the regular column you’ve got in a national newspaper, or maybe that pulpit in church where Ireland’s silent majority go and listen to you every week.
Effectiveness: 9/10. Most people seem to think this is transparently a load of wank, but all the important people buy it. Somehow.
David Says: Christianity Is Under Siege.
What is tolerance, anyway? It means respect for the beliefs of others, that’s what. Well who cares for Christians? That’s the question you’ve got to ask again and again, because everybody knows deep down that the atheist liberal elites don’t believe in anything except cocaine smoothies. Never stop reminding people that Ireland’s Christian ethos is under attack, for no better reason than huge swathes of people would kind of like to change it. True tolerance means respecting our beliefs, and if we believe that same-sex relationships are, like, totally creepy, then there shouldn’t be any. Look, we’ve stopped shouting insults at you (like, mostly) and we don’t beat you up now (except for when that happens but that’s nothing to do with us) and we don’t arrest you any more. So in return we think it’s only fair that the state pretends you don’t exist. Meet us halfway, you fanatics!
Effectiveness: 8/10. Some people claim this stance is totally illogical, but logic is for cappucino-drinking hipsters and you know it.
David Says: We’re The Ones Who Really Care About Gay People.
So here’s the thing; gay relationships are wonderful, special things. Obviously they also happen to be unnatural and perverted and wrong, but let’s forget that for now. What we’re saying is that gay people should have their own kind of union that recognises just how fantastic and different and abnormal they are, because that’s what true equality is. By saying the gays can have their own sort of partnership which is almost as brilliant as marriage (except it’s definitely not marriage, because it’s not as good), we’re actually recognising gay people. We’re cherishing them. Saying they can’t do something that everyone else can is the real equality. It’s like when they had segregation in America – black people felt really privileged to have their own special toilet, right? No wait – OK, not that. Hang on, how does this go again?
Effectiveness: 2/10. Ah look, even we don’t know how this one’s supposed to work.