6 Famous Apes
1. King Kong
The original Giant Gorilla for everyone to be frightened by yet simultaneously go "aawwww". Quite apart from leaving his humble Skull Island background (although not that humble, given that he's called "King" and all) appearing in three films, King Kong also had his son taken from Skull Island in 1933 (Son of Kong), had a fight with Godzilla in 1962 (King Kong vs Godzilla, obviously), survived falling off the Empire State Building and got a Queen Kong up the duff (King Kong Lives, 1986), and took on a mechanical Kong-type character in 1967 (King Kong Escapes). The last one's my favourite, but that's got nothing to do with the arch-villain being called Dr Who, obviously. The Kong family's been pretty successful, all told; even the idiot of the family, cruelly dubbed "Donkey", got famous for dropping barrels on a bloke called Mario for no apparent reason. Kong was usually a stop-motion yoke of varying height (they used a bigger model for the bit where he was climbing The Empire State Building in the original version, you know), but was recently reanimated using motion capture technology in the Peter Jackson remake. This wonderful technology enabled character actor Andy Serkis to peerlessly create a multi-textured and empathic Kong, providing the human heart of a story and a tender on-screen relationship with Naomi Watts. Unfortunately, the entire audience had nodded off after watching the cast run around a computer game for the previous two hours, rendering the entire thing worthless.
"It was beauty that killed the beast. Or maybe all the planes that shot it off the building. What do you reckon, Clive?"
2. Doctor Zaius
Definitely the famousest Orangutan of the twentieth century, Dr Zaius was more or less the villain of Planet of the Apes. He knew all about the origins of his people from the downfall of human society, he arrested the two nice monkeys for heresy, went and started a sort of a war thing with the mutant-human-types, and finally goaded Charlton Heston into blowing the whole world up. He also symbolised the warped nature of the world in which Charlton Heston found himself - not only was it ruled by Monkeys, but the most powerful one was a ginge. Zaius ended up telling Charlton 'Athletic' Heston that "mankind is evil, capable of nothing but destruction," instead of the more obvious dig that "mankind is useless, only capable of building spaceships that fly in a giant circle and come back to the same planet they started from, and neither the pilot or the navigation systems even bloody well notice."
"I am the leader of this society, not a damn dirty ape. And what's more, I was in a really funny scene in the Simpsons"
3. The Tipps Family
The good thing about classic adverts is that you don't have to worry about things like animal cruelty, because, y'know, it was, like, a long time ago, and stuff. PG Tips spent years advertising their products by dressing up chimpanzees in costumes and getting them to act out amusing scenarios. As well as being the only entrants into this list who were actually real chimpanzees, as opposed to blokes in suits, they also took part in the most-aired British advert of all time (that'll be the "Mr Shifter one with the piano, that will). This worries me a bit, because the chimp who played Mr Shifter is - presumably - long dead by now, and I'm not able to find out any information on where he might be buried, what his funeral was like, whether he's got a piano-shaped headstone with "You hum it son, I'll play it" as his epitaph, and other such inponderables. Apparently, animals don't go to heaven... but suppose it's an animal who acted like a person, can he blag his way in on a technicality? If so, there must be maybe thirty chimps in there, probably dragging down whatever neighbourhood they live in.
"I'm telling you, one day we'll be nearly as famous as the Smash Robots."
4. Gerald the Gorilla
Rowan Atkinson, in a gorilla suit, at his very best. 'Nuff said, really.
5. Cadbury's Dairy Milk
It was a hot, humid day in the office, the fatigue of all present hanging in the air like a mephitic fog. Only Daniel DiAngelo seemed to have any energy left; tall, good-looking and blessed with intelligence and sexual vigour, they knew that only he could help them now. He would never admit defeat, but nor would he ever compromise on his art; he, more than anyone else, knew that the most crucial thing about advertising was integrity.
"Sometimes," someone muttered, "it just seems impossible. How can anyone link passion to something as ordinary as a chocolate bar?"
Daniel heard, and reacted as if he had been stung. "It's never impossible," he said, leaping to his feet. "Never give up and never surrender. Remember, everyone, that the world relies on us. Remember that we are not just people; we are advertisers. And there's always a way for us to win. For example..." and suddenly his brow furrowed, scoring geometric lines across his forehead. The others were quiet; they knew this impossibly attractive expression was usually a precursor to a moment of genius.
"A gorilla," he muttered quietly. "A gorilla playing the drums!"
There was only silence. The brilliance of the idea settled on them slowly. Could it work? A gorilla playing the drums? Was it possible?
"First to In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins," said Daniel. "Then, afterwards, to Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler. Classic songs, songs that all musicians love."
Someone laughed clearly, the sound of relief. He had done it again.
"But..." said a voice. It was Jane, the new girl; slim and pretty, blonde hair cascading down her shoulders. All eyes turned to her, and she went on. Only a delicate quaver in her voice betrayed her nervousness. "But isn't that... a shit idea? We've all seen blokes in monkey suits before, it's old hat. Why is it a gorilla anyway? And if it's going to be about passion, why the hell would you have him drumming to Bonnie sodding Tyler, which just has the same plodding drumbeat running right the way through it? And everybody hates Phil Collins for fuck's sake."
Daniel fixed her with a gaze; clear blue eyes piercing down to the core of her soul. "I like your observations," he said. "I like your attitude. Let's discuss this further... over dinner." Then they went off, took some cocaine, and fucked like rabbits, or something.
"You know I'm classically trained, and I performed opposite Gielgud in the Scottish play. I'm going to cut my agent's balls off for this..."
6. Brian Cowen
No, obviously I'm just having a laugh. Isn't he great?
Shave it, put it in a suit, and no-one will notice.
The original Giant Gorilla for everyone to be frightened by yet simultaneously go "aawwww". Quite apart from leaving his humble Skull Island background (although not that humble, given that he's called "King" and all) appearing in three films, King Kong also had his son taken from Skull Island in 1933 (Son of Kong), had a fight with Godzilla in 1962 (King Kong vs Godzilla, obviously), survived falling off the Empire State Building and got a Queen Kong up the duff (King Kong Lives, 1986), and took on a mechanical Kong-type character in 1967 (King Kong Escapes). The last one's my favourite, but that's got nothing to do with the arch-villain being called Dr Who, obviously. The Kong family's been pretty successful, all told; even the idiot of the family, cruelly dubbed "Donkey", got famous for dropping barrels on a bloke called Mario for no apparent reason. Kong was usually a stop-motion yoke of varying height (they used a bigger model for the bit where he was climbing The Empire State Building in the original version, you know), but was recently reanimated using motion capture technology in the Peter Jackson remake. This wonderful technology enabled character actor Andy Serkis to peerlessly create a multi-textured and empathic Kong, providing the human heart of a story and a tender on-screen relationship with Naomi Watts. Unfortunately, the entire audience had nodded off after watching the cast run around a computer game for the previous two hours, rendering the entire thing worthless.
"It was beauty that killed the beast. Or maybe all the planes that shot it off the building. What do you reckon, Clive?"
2. Doctor Zaius
Definitely the famousest Orangutan of the twentieth century, Dr Zaius was more or less the villain of Planet of the Apes. He knew all about the origins of his people from the downfall of human society, he arrested the two nice monkeys for heresy, went and started a sort of a war thing with the mutant-human-types, and finally goaded Charlton Heston into blowing the whole world up. He also symbolised the warped nature of the world in which Charlton Heston found himself - not only was it ruled by Monkeys, but the most powerful one was a ginge. Zaius ended up telling Charlton 'Athletic' Heston that "mankind is evil, capable of nothing but destruction," instead of the more obvious dig that "mankind is useless, only capable of building spaceships that fly in a giant circle and come back to the same planet they started from, and neither the pilot or the navigation systems even bloody well notice."
"I am the leader of this society, not a damn dirty ape. And what's more, I was in a really funny scene in the Simpsons"
3. The Tipps Family
The good thing about classic adverts is that you don't have to worry about things like animal cruelty, because, y'know, it was, like, a long time ago, and stuff. PG Tips spent years advertising their products by dressing up chimpanzees in costumes and getting them to act out amusing scenarios. As well as being the only entrants into this list who were actually real chimpanzees, as opposed to blokes in suits, they also took part in the most-aired British advert of all time (that'll be the "Mr Shifter one with the piano, that will). This worries me a bit, because the chimp who played Mr Shifter is - presumably - long dead by now, and I'm not able to find out any information on where he might be buried, what his funeral was like, whether he's got a piano-shaped headstone with "You hum it son, I'll play it" as his epitaph, and other such inponderables. Apparently, animals don't go to heaven... but suppose it's an animal who acted like a person, can he blag his way in on a technicality? If so, there must be maybe thirty chimps in there, probably dragging down whatever neighbourhood they live in.
"I'm telling you, one day we'll be nearly as famous as the Smash Robots."
4. Gerald the Gorilla
Rowan Atkinson, in a gorilla suit, at his very best. 'Nuff said, really.
5. Cadbury's Dairy Milk
It was a hot, humid day in the office, the fatigue of all present hanging in the air like a mephitic fog. Only Daniel DiAngelo seemed to have any energy left; tall, good-looking and blessed with intelligence and sexual vigour, they knew that only he could help them now. He would never admit defeat, but nor would he ever compromise on his art; he, more than anyone else, knew that the most crucial thing about advertising was integrity.
"Sometimes," someone muttered, "it just seems impossible. How can anyone link passion to something as ordinary as a chocolate bar?"
Daniel heard, and reacted as if he had been stung. "It's never impossible," he said, leaping to his feet. "Never give up and never surrender. Remember, everyone, that the world relies on us. Remember that we are not just people; we are advertisers. And there's always a way for us to win. For example..." and suddenly his brow furrowed, scoring geometric lines across his forehead. The others were quiet; they knew this impossibly attractive expression was usually a precursor to a moment of genius.
"A gorilla," he muttered quietly. "A gorilla playing the drums!"
There was only silence. The brilliance of the idea settled on them slowly. Could it work? A gorilla playing the drums? Was it possible?
"First to In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins," said Daniel. "Then, afterwards, to Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler. Classic songs, songs that all musicians love."
Someone laughed clearly, the sound of relief. He had done it again.
"But..." said a voice. It was Jane, the new girl; slim and pretty, blonde hair cascading down her shoulders. All eyes turned to her, and she went on. Only a delicate quaver in her voice betrayed her nervousness. "But isn't that... a shit idea? We've all seen blokes in monkey suits before, it's old hat. Why is it a gorilla anyway? And if it's going to be about passion, why the hell would you have him drumming to Bonnie sodding Tyler, which just has the same plodding drumbeat running right the way through it? And everybody hates Phil Collins for fuck's sake."
Daniel fixed her with a gaze; clear blue eyes piercing down to the core of her soul. "I like your observations," he said. "I like your attitude. Let's discuss this further... over dinner." Then they went off, took some cocaine, and fucked like rabbits, or something.
"You know I'm classically trained, and I performed opposite Gielgud in the Scottish play. I'm going to cut my agent's balls off for this..."
6. Brian Cowen
No, obviously I'm just having a laugh. Isn't he great?
Shave it, put it in a suit, and no-one will notice.
posted by Nyder O'Leary at
18:29
6 Comments:
Duh! Monkey!
How could you forget Monkey? Ape-like god who travels around China indulging an endless bicker with Pig-zay and San-day after getting a bit freah with Buddah way back when? No? Fusion of Philosophy, martial arts, exotic locations and woeful dubbing. Rowan Atkinson's cheap gorrilla suit is still far better than those in trading places.
And another thing: Josef Stalin. Joe...Man of steel. You'd drop the Joe, wouldn't you? Unless you were a rep for a steel company: Need an I-beam? call Joe Stalin NOW! on 1-800 555...Lenin dropped three perfectly good names, and his minimalism paid dividends. It just occurred to me the other day: you wouldn't call yourself Fred Batman or Jim Green Lantern. Maybe that's why he was so authoritarian - he knew early on he was open to a really big tease, and he had to surpress the free press etc. Just a thought.
Because Monkey wasn't an ape. He was a monkey. That's why he was called Monkey. I'll accept criticism for excluding Clyde from Every Which Way But Loose, since I did have to think about it for quite some time, but I'm damned if I'm going to accept criticism for being zoologically accurate.
Maybe Joe Manofsteel just thought he'd be a bit more subtle. Besides, let's face it, there wasn't really much of a need to use his first name, so why bother dropping it in the first place?
"You know what bloody Stalin's gone and done? he's only wiped out 5 million Kulaks."
"Joseph Stalin?"
"No, actually I meant Leroy Stalin, a little-known blues singer from Detroit. What's on telly?"
"Just show trials. I think it's Kamenev tonight. I've made some cabbage soup as well."
"Result! I love that Yagoda, he reminds me of Simon Cowell."
Top chat! I blurted out a big belly laugh here in work - poor Leroy Stalin was unfairly hounded all through the fifties, and he never got to make a post-McCarthy comeback record because...
Are you ready?...
His technique was rusty by then! Doh!
Cheetah got left behind too, as did that sorry looking chimp on the simpsons. Or am I in monkey territory again?
Monkey IS an ape - check it out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5iUMWy4hqAg
Tell me what emerges from the...er...egg thing isn't a primate! Poorly translated perhaps or loosly defined according to some chinese taxonomy, but definitely an APE. Shame on you for thinking him a mere monkey, just because some title hinted at it! Could a mere monkey piss on Buddah's finger! I think not.
Famous Apes
1. Chewbacca. Should by rights have been burnt to a crisp in Episode III after chatting to Yoda during blast-off, but live to make his debut 30 years earlier. Or something.
2. King Louie. Star of the Jungle Book's soundtrack despite not being part of Kipling's original book. Watching it again, there's a bit of a racist smell that lingers about the whole thing, even if it's unintentional -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9cWkUhZ8n4
3. Monkey magic. See how the words monkey and ape are interchangeable to these oriental dudes in episode 1:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gmABsTi1-k
4. This guy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSFt3IkXVIc
On the ongoing dispute as to the nature of Monkey. If he has no tail then he is an ape. As far as I can see he has no tail, therefore he is an ape. Game set and match Willy.
Unless Nyder has photographic evidence of Monkey without his baggy pants on that shows otherwise.
Finally on the topic of Doctor Zaius - In Ozland ginges are known universally as rangas.
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
Create a Link
<< Home