6 New Stories Nobody Gives An Arse About, But Are In The News Anyway
1. Fine Gael stealing code from the BBC Website
Which was described by the Green Party as "unpatriotic", which goes to show how unerringly they can zero in on the most searing issues to grip the nation. Apparently Fine Gael swiped a bunch of the HTML for their new-look website from the BBC website. Only technogeeks understand this story, and only 1% of them can even be bothered pretending to care. Next.
2. Swine Flue
Already killed a hundred people, genuinely dangerous, could quite possibly turn into a worldwide pandemic. Unfortunately we're all bored of it since SARS and bird flu turned out to be such a grave disappointment. Next.
3. 3700 new jobs in the ESB
3,700? 3,700? Multiply that by ten, and it might approach being a positive newsworthy item. Next.
4. Fiann Fáil lose support in the opinion polls
Blimey, nobody saw that one coming, did they? Next.
5. Apple ban a game from their iPhone
A game in which a baby cries, and you can shut the bugger up by shaking it. Infant safety groups complained vociferously, and Apple removed the game from their iStore. The story has proved what all right-thinking people suspected; even a game about killing babies isn't enough to make iPhones interesting. Next.
6. 22% of tourists think Ireland's a bit expensive
Conclusively proving that 78% of people who come to Ireland have too much money. Has any other country tried solving an economic crisis by state-sponsored muggings of tourists? We could start with the Americans. So long as we can find a market for second-hand baseball caps and matching tracksuits.
Which was described by the Green Party as "unpatriotic", which goes to show how unerringly they can zero in on the most searing issues to grip the nation. Apparently Fine Gael swiped a bunch of the HTML for their new-look website from the BBC website. Only technogeeks understand this story, and only 1% of them can even be bothered pretending to care. Next.
2. Swine Flue
Already killed a hundred people, genuinely dangerous, could quite possibly turn into a worldwide pandemic. Unfortunately we're all bored of it since SARS and bird flu turned out to be such a grave disappointment. Next.
3. 3700 new jobs in the ESB
3,700? 3,700? Multiply that by ten, and it might approach being a positive newsworthy item. Next.
4. Fiann Fáil lose support in the opinion polls
Blimey, nobody saw that one coming, did they? Next.
5. Apple ban a game from their iPhone
A game in which a baby cries, and you can shut the bugger up by shaking it. Infant safety groups complained vociferously, and Apple removed the game from their iStore. The story has proved what all right-thinking people suspected; even a game about killing babies isn't enough to make iPhones interesting. Next.
6. 22% of tourists think Ireland's a bit expensive
Conclusively proving that 78% of people who come to Ireland have too much money. Has any other country tried solving an economic crisis by state-sponsored muggings of tourists? We could start with the Americans. So long as we can find a market for second-hand baseball caps and matching tracksuits.
posted by Nyder O'Leary at
00:19
4 Comments:
1. They lifted the CSS, not the HTML. I'm only saying... Mind you, lifting an entire CSS from one of the most famous sites in the world is a bit fucking thick.
2. Manbearflu is superserial, guys.
However, check out this brilliant piece of logic from Simon Jenkins in the Guardian http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/apr/29/swine-flu-mexico-uk-media1 - we were wrong twice before so we needn't worry about this pandemic.
5. That shake-sensor feature could surely be put to some use. For example, a wanking app just might tip me over the purchase line.
Stories not covered:
New “crime of blasphemous” libel being proposed.
““A person who publishes or utters blasphemous matter shall be guilty of an offence and shall be liable upon conviction on indictment to a fine not exceeding €100,000.””
http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/frontpage/2009/0429/1224245599892.html?via=mr
Further proof that God is indeed a cunt.
Only heard about the blasphemy thing today. Glad to know that the government are doing their best to sort out the real problems in the country; it's well-known that the economic crisis is down to blasphemy. Everyone at Anglo-Irish routinely shouted "God's just a pussy" before starting work. And the downturn started the day after RTE showed that Eurovision episode of Father Ted for the 666th time.
Read that Simon Jenkins bit too... like the way that panic & scaremongering is the fault of scientists, rather than... oh... his own profession, for example.
My favourite news story has been Berlusconi looking for glamour models, beauty pageant contestants and porn stars (probably) to represent his party in the European elections. Brilliant, exactly what the devil would do - a discipline you have to admire in the wee man. Even Cheney has a day off here and there to go shoot his mates, but Berlusconi always takes the time to make policies and press statements exactly, word for word, like the devil would. Kudos.
Which turns out to be all too much for his wife who has a go in public. (bear with me if this lacks detail or even veracity as I live off scraps of spanish news)
Which is too much for the wee man who gets his media empire to give her a good knocking, citizen Kane style. Again, devil-tastic in words and deeds.
So she has a pop back, accusing him of - get this - fergaling under age girls! Brilliant!
And like yer other stories it seems to be pretty much ignored outside of italy...
Or, if you really must have at least some some facts:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/may/04/silvio-berlusconi-divorce
The last two paragraphs come as close as is legally possible to an open accusation of ###############
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